To feel pleasure again when you think you’ve lost it, the first step is to take the pressure off “achieving it” and rediscover what you enjoy now—not what you used to enjoy—while considering what might be behind it. If you force it or compare it with how things used to be, frustration sets in, you start avoiding intimacy, and pleasure feels even further away. At La Maleta Roja, it’s the broadest question of all those we’re asked at our talks and gatherings, because there can be many different causes behind it.
Most people assume that pleasure fades with age, or look for a single solution that will fix everything. But there’s almost never just one cause, and hardly anyone explains that your body today doesn’t feel the same as it did twenty years ago: it feels different.
Why pleasure changes more than you might think
During perimenopause and menopause, hormonal changes can affect lubrication and how sex feels. Not all women experience them in the same way, and they don’t necessarily mean feeling less pleasure. If you have dryness or discomfort, it can be harder to enjoy yourself. Stress, fatigue, mental load, relationship routines, and some medications, such as certain antidepressants, can also affect sexual response or delay orgasm.
It’s also worth distinguishing between “I don’t feel pleasure” and “I feel less pleasure than before”: they’re not the same, and they call for different approaches. Comparing yourself with the past is often part of the problem: if you expect exactly the same sensations as before, it’s easy not to recognize the pleasure you feel now.
How to recognize what’s getting in the way of pleasure
These signs can help you figure out where to start:
- Dryness, stinging, or discomfort that makes you focus more on avoiding pain than on enjoying yourself.
- You feel desire, but it’s harder to get aroused or reach orgasm.
- Your mind won’t switch off: fatigue, worries, or your to-do list keep getting in the way.
- Something has changed in your relationship or in the way you communicate.
- You started taking a new medication and have noticed a change since then.
If the feeling of loss persists and is causing you distress, talk to your gynecologist or a sex therapist: they can help you assess the causes and support options.
Practical tips
- Take some time for yourself, without a goal: use your hands or a gentle intimate accessory to discover what you enjoy now.
- Try different areas, rhythms, and pressures: what didn’t do anything for you before might work now, and vice versa.
- If you have dryness, lubricant can make things more comfortable. If discomfort persists, seek advice instead of forcing yourself to continue.
- Set the scene: take your time, avoid interruptions, and focus on what you feel, not the outcome.
- Talk to your partner about what you enjoy now: what worked years ago may no longer work.
Between us
It’s very common, as time goes by, to miss some of the freshness of youth. But many women say that as they get older, they know themselves better than ever and enjoy themselves more than before, partly because they’ve given themselves permission and space to do so, alone or with a partner.
Pleasure, like everything else, isn’t static: it comes and goes, and is shaped by many different factors. Don’t feel guilty or bad, and don’t compare yourself with who you used to be or with what you see around you. Your pleasure matters, and it changes with you.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel less pleasure as you get older?
It’s common for sensations to change, but change doesn’t mean feeling less. Many women discover forms of pleasure they hadn’t explored before.
Why don’t I feel the same during sex anymore?
There may be several contributing factors: hormonal changes, dryness, stress, fatigue, medication, or relationship issues. Age alone doesn’t explain what you’re feeling.
Why is it harder for me to reach orgasm?
There can be many different causes, and they’re not always hormonal. Giving yourself more time and exploring the kinds of stimulation you enjoy can help. If the change persists and worries you, talk to a healthcare professional.
Do I need a partner to feel pleasure again?
No. Many women start on their own, reconnecting with their bodies before sharing that experience with someone else.
Can an intimate accessory help me rediscover pleasure?
If you feel like it, it can be a way to explore without pressure and discover what you enjoy now. It’s not essential, and it doesn’t replace a professional assessment if you have discomfort or persistent changes.
Is lack of pleasure always caused by hormones?
No. Emotions, relationships, stress, medication, and not having enough time for yourself can also play a role.
When should I seek help for lack of pleasure?
If the feeling persists and is causing you distress. Your gynecologist or a sex therapist can help you find the cause.
Rediscover yourself at your own pace
An accessory such as Fuzu, a finger massager for intimate use, can help you explore what you enjoy now, without rushing, at your own pace and without a goal to achieve.
You can also read: My first intimate accessory at 50: how to choose without feeling overwhelmed.
